once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I will pee on everything he values.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
