I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize