Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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