I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
