The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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