Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
