My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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