you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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