i wish my penis had a tongue
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
