if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
