I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
