i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
