I wish my penis had an off switch
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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