just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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