Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
