I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
