I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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