I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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