The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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