well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
