I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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