I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
