apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
