textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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