remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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