How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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