dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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