We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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