My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
