Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
