My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
