Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
