hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
