I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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