winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
