i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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