My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize