Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
