In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
