I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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