Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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