What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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