Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
