dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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