i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize