I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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