I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I need a beard to bite.
I need water and some morals
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
