Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
