His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
