"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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