im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
