how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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