Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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