Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
