He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
