I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize